Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
