I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
