Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
