The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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