I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
