Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
