I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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