i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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