1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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