oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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