maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)