One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.