So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me