I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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