Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you inspire me to be a worse person
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
