I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
