If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
