Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
