I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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