I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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