I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
