please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
