I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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