tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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