Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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