I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
