I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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