forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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