So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
