there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
