we have pet lesbian snakes
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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