I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
