Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
