I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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