woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
