fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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