Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
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It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
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Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character