just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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