i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
