Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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