I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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