i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
