what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
