my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
