So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
