wat bout pragnant strippers??
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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