Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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