so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
