there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
