I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
