Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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