he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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