Apparently you make a good broom.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
