I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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