My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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