I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
