i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
