You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
