He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
