did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
