Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
