Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
