she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
